Have you ever wanted something more than anything? It could be anything. It could be a material item, a feeling, or a person. What happens when you finally get it?
Sometimes you are in paradise. I mean, a pure psychedelic, transcendental inebriation of absolute euphoria. You’d sell your soul to whichever deity could keep freeze that moment for you. Even Mephistopheles himself, as Faust had done. Betraying your eternity for an instant of complete satisfaction. To just hold that moment in your hand, next to your heart or mind, whichever was more overwhelmed.
But what about the other times? What do you do when you finally achieve your desire and you don’t feel as you thought you would? What happens when the emotions evoked by such an event aren’t those you thought would rush the floodgates of your mind, spilling down your soul and intoxicating your heart? Every feeling is meaningless and contradictory, betraying your hopes and desires. Inversely, you would sell that same soul to whichever deity could make this pain pass. You begin to question yourself, even blame yourself for not feeling like you think you ought. Your mind wanders and wonders. Every thought becomes an indecipherable concoction of feeling and reason. The line between your heart and mind begins to blur. Why aren’t you satisfied? Was it not enough, or did you expect too much? Probably so.
Where do you go from here? You’ve attained the unattainable, and now feel the crushing foot of insatiable desire. Were you foolish? Surely not.
Why can’t you settle for less? Maybe there’s nothing less to settle for? Perhaps what you thought was more than enough isn’t anywhere near what you need. Maybe you don’t know what you need. That’s probably so. If you had you wouldn’t be feeling this way.
Oh well, you’ll heal, right? Time heals all wounds. Bullcrap. Time masks wounds. It’s like when the waves on a beach gradually carry in sand and cover up a wayward shoreline boat. When the waves get rough the boat resurfaces, in a worse form than before.
God, somehow you know that boat is me.
